Monday, January 23, 2017

Yellow Flowers

I had a minor car crash on Sunday.  Well, minor for my truck, the other car got very bent.  Even though I was the crasher and not the crashee, it was a jarring experience.  The kind that makes you look at everything from a new perspective.  The next day I woke up with a swollen left arm for the third day in a row, worst than the previous two.  It seems to be caused by over exerting myself last week in my new, nicotine free, exercise regime.  At that moment however I got really scared and thought I might have a serious medical situation.  Suddenly, and particularly after almost harming someone else the frailty of life set in.  Between the possibility of having hurt someone else terribly and the possibility of something being terribly wrong with me health wise, everything changed, yet again.

So I reached out to you.  I reached out even though I shouldn't have.  But after days of having a feeling in my heart that maybe, perhaps, you could use a floral picker upper to brighten your day, I sent a virtual version of that yellow flower bouquet that I would kill to send you in real life.  I know you don't want that from me.  I know that you don't love me anymore.  And I know it only sets our friendship back even further.  But I had to do it.  I had to do it, not as a declaration of whatever feelings I may or may not have for you.  But because I was scared and if my swollen  arm was very bad news, I wanted my last gesture toward you to be one that made you smile.  I truly, madly, and deeply care for your happiness and well being  above and beyond everything in this world. I would do anything for you; even if it tears me apart, even if it kills me even if it tears me apart, even if it kills me.

I am not a selfish person.  I acted like one that drunken Sunday afternoon, but it was only because, well, you make me feel and do things I never have before.  Again, I really really just want you to be happy.  I hope you know that.  And although I did many things wrong while we were together because I was not in a good place, the past 10 months of my life have been hopelessly devoted to you.  And now that I have overcome my anxiety I am turning myself into a person worthy of you just like I promised you I would.  Even though it appears you are not the one for me, I believe we are soulmates and that is forever.  I will always have your best interests at heart.

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